Women & Complications...

My roomie murli just asked me why women were so complicated…..

In reply, I dug through my scrapbook collection of accumulated wisdom that I found useful and some of my own thoughts on the topic……well, basically I typed “woman” on my find button in MS Word and I kept on clicking…

Some of my finds –

§ A woman is a compendium of wonders. The one thing you must never expect her to be is a gentleman, complete with honour and code.
§ No matter what any man says, there is nothing better than two, a man and a woman, who walk together. When they walk right together, there is no way too long and no night too dark.
§ A man ought to have a woman to cry for him when he goes out. And not just his mother either.
§ There are more snares and traps in a woman’s lashes than in all the poacher’s stores of the world.
§ The proper place for any man or woman is where they are needed.
§ Women are a practical lot. They get right down to bedrock about things and no woman is going to waste time remembering a man who was fool enough to get himself killed. Thing to do is to live for love, not die for it. Though most womenfolk’s would a rather see a man dead than with another woman.
§ No man can shape his life according to a woman’s thinking. Nor should any woman try to influence a man towards her way. There must be give and take between them, but when a man faces a man’s problems, he has to face them a man’s way.
§ A man he has got to get along mostly with hard work and persistence, but with a woman is mostly maneuver. Men have to maneuver too, especially so when it comes to womenfolk’s
§ A beautiful woman……shaped like music.
§ A woman who has trapped her game has a different way about her than one who is still on the stalk.
§ To fall fearlessly in fate as a man falls in love with a shy woman’s best smile.
§ Romantic love is your heart lost in the dream of a woman’s face and your soul lost in the dream of her body.
§ Nothing in the world is as soft and pleasing to the touch, as the skin of a woman’s thigh where the flesh is warm, smooth and supple. No flowers, feather or fabric can match that velvet whisper of flesh. No matter, how unequal they may be in other ways, all women, old and young, fat and thin, beautiful and ugly, have that perfection. It’s a great part of the reason why men hunger to possess women and so often convince themselves that they do possess them, the thigh, that touch.
§ A woman’s long and thick plait of hair is the rope by which a man may climb to heaven.
§ Of the many reasons we love women for, the best is the fact that a woman does what God should do; a woman sometimes gives us a reason to live and love this world.
§ The fully mature woman has about two seconds of life left after maturing.
§ The love of a woman is held in a vault of hearts while the condemning and cruel world tries to reach it through our skin and bones. They claim a hidden corner of our hearts, all those moments that stay with us, unscreamed. That’s where loves, like elephants, drag themselves to die. It’s the place where pride allows itself to cry. You can never tell what people have inside them until you start taking it away, one hope at a time. Sometimes, the worst thing you can do to a woman is to love her.
§ A good man is as strong as the right woman needs him to be.
§ Despite the misfortunes of destiny and the vagaries of fate, I always knew with perfect understanding and pleasure I would ever know was in that laugh; to make that woman laugh and to feel the laughter bubbling from her lips against my face, my skin.
§ The tender close hug that a woman gives a man when she knows she can trust him or when she is sure his heart belongs to someone else.

Other people’s writings and thoughts -

§ The door was still ajar, but there was a tentative tap on it which said, in a kind of metaphorical Morse code, that the tapper could see very well that Carrot was in his room with a scantily clad woman and was trying to knock without actually being heard. § The person on the other side was a young woman. Very obviously a young woman. There was no possible way that she could have been mistaken for a young man in any language, especially Braille.§ She moved like someone who had grown used to her body and, in general, looked like what Vimes had heard described as "a woman of a certain age." He'd never been quite certain what age that was.§ "'Tis not right, a woman going into such places by herself." Granny nodded. She thoroughly approved of such sentiments so long as there was, of course, no suggestion that they applied to her.
§ There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I’ve just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love, it’s not the end of the world."
§ Never play poker with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.
- Algren's Law
§ That man says women can't have as much rights as men, because Christ wasn't a woman. Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman. Man had nothing to do with him.
- Sojouner Truth (1851)
§ It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.
- H. L. Mencken
§ A man without a woman is like a tugboat in a logjam.
- Anon
§ Love? Pah. Overrated. Here, look, these are my three wives: Pestilence, Famine and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets! Arranged marriages, every one, but they worked out. They inspired me. Knowing that they are waiting at home for me is what keeps me here -- 75 light years away.
- Londo, "Babylon 5 - The War Prayer"
§ Men always want to be a womans first love - women like to be a mans last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
§ Give me a look, give me a face, that makes simplicity a grace; Robes loosely flowing, hair as free,-- Such sweet neglect more taketh me Than all the adulteries of art: They strike mine eyes, but not my heart. - Benjamin Johnson, "Epicaene; Or, the Silent Woman"
§ Plain women know more about men than beautiful ones do. But beautiful women don't need to know about men. It's the men who have to know about beautiful women. - Katherine Hepburn
§ A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be thankful for a good one. - Mae West
§ The game women play is men. - Adam Smith
§ People who get married because they're in love make a ridiculous mistake. It makes much more sense to marry your best friend. You like your best friend more than anyone you're ever going to be in love with. You dont choose your best friend because they have a cute nose. - Fran Lebowitz
§ "One of the great injustices in fiction is that on the whole people with romantic yearnings have romantic faces. But in real life it's not always like that." - Julian Fellowes
§ Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. - William Concreve
§ "In revenge and in love. woman is more barbarous than man." - Nietzsche
§ "You men do it well, tormenting a girl. You must be born with it." - Janie, in "Allegheny Uprising"
§ Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. - Mary Schmich
§ "My old man used to say, before he left this world, never chase buses or women. You always get left behind." - Marlboro to Harley, "Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man"
§ What really flatters a man is that you think him worth flattering.
- George Bernard Shaw
§ He is a fool who thinks by force or skill to turn the current of a woman's will.
- Samuel Tuke, "Adventures of Five Hours"
§ The reason why so few marriages are happy is because young ladies spend their time in making nets, not in making cages.
- Jonathon Swift, "Thoughts on Various Subjects"
§ Man is the hunter; woman is his game. The sleek and shining creatures of the chase, we hunt them for the beauty of their skins; they love us for it, and we ride them down.
- Alfred Lord Tennyson
§ Whether they yield or refuse, it delights women to have been asked.
- Ovid
§ The happiness of the married man depends on the woman he has not married.
- Oscar Wilde
§ "A relationship, I think is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark."
- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
§ "The first thing to learn about a deck of cards is how to handle them. They're a whole lot like women. Usually, when you pick one up, you wish you hadn't."
- Wolf Wylie to Duke Fergus (John Wayne) in "Flame of the Barbary Coast"
§ The behaviour of lovers is oscillating like the moon, and unpredictable as the weather...
- Schuster & Sigmund
§ She knocked me out. I mean it. I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you half fall in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can.
- JD Salinger
§ "Ladette Culture doesn't inspire a grown man to want to share his life with a girl who sleeps with as many men as she can pull and drinks until she's sick."
- Joan Collins
§ "What's up with you commitment-phobic men and women? How long will you guys and gals hide behind the word friend to avoid the two scariest words in the English language: girlfriend and boyfriend."
- Ms. Yolanda H
§ Whenever I see two women kissing, it reminds me of nothing so much as two prize-fighters shaking hands.
- HL Mencken
§ "As for kissing on the first date, you should never date someone whom you would not wish to kiss immediately."
- Garrison Keillor, Salon Magazine
§ To Kiss : An attempt to absorb the essence of the other person.
- Casanova
§ "The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before."
- F Scott Fitzgerald
§ Throughout history, adultery has had few rivals as a cause of murder and human misery. The reason we tend to resemble our mates is that many of us are looking for someone who reminds us of our parent or sibling of the opposite sex, who in turn resembles us.
- Jared Diamond, "The Rise and Fall of the Third Chimpanzee"
§ "Ehm, look. Sorry, sorry. I just, ehm, well, this is a very stupid question and..., particularly in view of our recent shopping excursion, but I just wondered, by any chance, ehm, eh, I mean obviously not because I guess I've only slept with 9 people, but-but I-I just wondered... ehh. I really feel, ehh, in short, to recap it slightly in a clearer version, eh, the words of David Cassidy in fact, eh, while he was still with the Partridge family, eh, "I think I love you," and eh, I-I just wondered by any chance you wouldn't like to... Eh... Eh... No, no, no of course not... I'm an idiot, he's not... Excellent, excellent, fantastic, eh, I was gonna say lovely to see you, sorry to disturb... Better get on... " "That was very romantic." "Well, I thought it over a lot, you know, I wanted to get it just right. "
- Charles & Carrie, "Four Weddings & A Funeral "
§ You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
- Erica Jong
§ Almost as complicated as a woman. Except it's on time. - Advertisement for IWC watches in "The Spectator"
§ A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
- Don Quinn
§ No man should marry until he had studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
- Balzac
§ Every woman needs one man in her life who is strong and responsible. Given this security, she can proceed to do what she really wants to do: fall in love with men who are weak and irresponsible.
- Richard J. Needham
§ When a woman behaves like a man, why doesn't she behave like a nice man?
- Edith Evans
§ If a man is standing in the middle of a forest, and he says something, and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- Andrew Blendermann

I reached page 254 on my scrapbook …….have about 3000 odd pages more…….holler if you want more…..

Fear & Ends.....

I am on my last packet of Indian cigarette’s…..

I have also just received my results for my master’s degree exams….

Funny that both should coincide with each other….not that they are necessarily related…..I had brought a 1000 sticks of cancer and emphysema with me and bitter ashes in my heart…..

After nearly nine months later, I am down to my last 8 sticks, thanks to khan and others……not that I mind….I roll my own cigarette’s now and have been doing so for quite some time…..In fact, rolling a cigarette is perhaps a fast ending art…..perhaps it is better so…..but its an art nonetheless….you have to patient and dexterous and delicate all at the same time…..its Zen for idiots…..but there you have it….

But coming back to my original topic at hand, I find myself today down to my last few shreds of Indian tobacco and perhaps even vestiges of my past life…..

If I may borrow a rather pathetic line – I had set out to be the monk who sold his Ferrari, but then I was no monk and I damn well didn’t have a Ferrari…and moreover the damn destination was not the mystical east but the material west…..You just cant get more corkscrewed than that……..

Clutching an aching heart and mind, I had come here for penitence and perhaps even salvation…..and I did find it here, of a sort….but it was peace and slumber unaided by alcohol……it sufficed….till now…..the alcohol was and still is far too expensive to form a habit....

Within the confines of enforced education and employment, somehow it so happened that the fires flaring in both mind and heart were finally doused into cold, unfeeling ashes……and within those parameters of sodden, unresponsive flesh, I clasped the weak straws of peace and immortality….for what is immortality but unending life…..bereft maybe of soul or even of hope or feeling…..but you’re alive and life drags and crawls on…….

My final cigarette’s remind me of burning days, of flaring nights……..like a wick in a earthenware lamp after the oil is consumed……black, cold and burnt out….perhaps even my cigarette butts in my soap dish ashtray….that’s my life now…..listless, detached, fearful

And I face finally my greatest enemy within myself…..fear.

After months of relentless search and analysis, I have finally drawn, quartered and divided myself into sections from the coagulated whole that I had brought to the light from the far horizons of mine own land into this damp, chilly and alien land….

Holmes had once said that no problem is unsolvable – all that remains is to unearth the whole and break it down into pieces so minute that the flaw finally reveals itself….

And diving into a 8 percent solution of morphine on my own terms, I drew up and dissected myself here, within these blogs, section by section till I have reached the end……and not too soon either….

These things have a wonderful sense of coincidence……..

Basketball players call it the “zone” – when the way into the basket is clear and nothing opposes and all lanes finally converge upon a single whole – an utter clarity of purpose and realization….and yet all to no use whatsoever…..

For what use is dunking an inflated rubber ball into a iron hoop enmeshed in a rope net or even to find realization of self and yet be unable to do anything but merely look and say, “there, I have finally found it”…….Maybe I lack a Watson to exclaim “elementary” to….or whatever…..and therein, as the bard puts in….lies the rub….

Pa says I ramble all over the world when I write and other’s choose not to notice or worse, like bro, have no idea what I am talking about…..

I fear fear…..fear of fear is perhaps such a cliché that even justifying it is senseless….

Attention seeking behaviour, rash and reckless endeavours, burning ambition, wild swings of euphoria and depression, a brutal will to dominate, fiercely defended beliefs and an unquenchable thirst to prove myself, over and over again…..

For such am I and it has taken me months of relentless searching to understand why I am such…..Why did I not care for so many and yet immersed myself in one…….and then again, walk the arid wastes of desolation…….to the point of self-obsession and beyond….

At the end of it all, the reasons are so pathetic and common that it does not even serve to consider them, much less laugh at the arduous efforts to reach them…….my mythical giants have turned out to be measly ferrets …… the beast on my back has turned out to nothing more than my past riding on my imagination and ego….not easily shaken off, but shaken off all the same…..

My cigarette’s are almost over…..and so is my course……as in my search for peace…..

I can see the end….on the horizon…..and I must face it with all that I have…..this I realise now….I have run long enough, far enough……withheld hard enough, long enough….I am not this cowardly creature that I have turned into….cowering beneath the lash of fortune like a cur, broken spirited or even disembodied……..For broken bones must knit and blood must sing……for the ashes must glow anew….the phoenix arises on its own will……and the will that I forsook is yet in me…..tempered in the chilly winds of shattered hopes, the steaming vapours of nameless agony and the icy waters of shame and undiluted rationale….

For all the shit that I have written above……all it means is this is that I have to believe again….in myself and move beyond the shell I have created……it was not enough that I broke through the cocoon of my past life but I need to break through the image that I had built for myself……

And I am finally ready to face the world…..this is not the end, but it is definitely the beginning of the end…..and so it begins…..

As the Scottish clans would scream, claymore in hand, the wild winds whistling above and beyond……

Crom a boo …..aye…… pluis dru…..

I will burn ….indeed….at the thickest…. (Gathering of enemies)

In modern day language perhaps…… Come on if you’re hard enough!!!

66, Fergus Drive…..

The last few weeks have completely drained me.

Everytime I think I should write something down, something even more interesting happens…..
The earlier name of my latest piece was acquaintances, addictions, accomodations, accents, americans, etc…..

Wanted to write about my inability to give up smoking….despite nicotine gum

To write about the interesting conversation that I had with an American desi who gave me a completely new spin on the entire issue of emigration and reasons thereof…..

Thought of writing about a hilarious and binge eating weekend at Pima’s with rashes and the pretty cool time we had…..

And finally of shifting to my new place on Fergus Drive and the insane activities of my roomies…..

Not to mention the total Hindi film style repercussions of chatting with an online flicker for the past 6 months…….

So let me just paste whatever shit I had been shitting about initially and then take off from there….

"Acquaintances, Addictions, Accomodations, Accents, Americans, (in)Activity….."

Why is it that my brain is stimulated by nicotine?

Why is that when everything seems confusing and overwhelming, the slow spirals and fantastic shapes of smoke, soothe and calm me down?

Why does nicotine actually sort out my thought process to the extent of solution?

I had been staring at the screen for ages it seems, waiting for the words to come churning out, akin to regurgitation and yet nothing seems to move without that infernal puff.

For that matter, why do I have this need to put on paper, that which is inside me, a part of me……..its a painful process to even put together this damn thing. I mean, give me a plot and characters anytime….I can build damned castles in the air and lair’s beneath the ground…..

This is like giving birth….well at least mentally…….

Dad recently asked how I got my hand burnt…..told him to read my blog

Bro asked me why I was even considering marriage……read my blog

Friends ask whats happening…….Blog, blog, blog…..blah, blah, blah

Everything is on my blog…….so where am I?

Online, usually would reply palz……..

Now, who’s palz?

Interesting query…….

Met her online at this weird chat line forum I occasionally visit in my moments of insanity ……the more weird fact was that I have no idea how long ago I met her……probably about a year or two back, might even be more……and for most of the time between that and actual communication, I didn’t even realise that she was a girl……

It was quite a bit later that the essential facts became clearer as the chatting frequency grew higher….

Now, the how, the why, the whatever for……don’t ask me…..uh huh, I don’t deal in them …….. I was there primarily for conversation to while away my mad moments between dusk and dawn……yeah, I got bitten by a bat when I was in diapers……

As I tell her, I don’t trust myself in actual reality anymore……Or rather I don’t trust the world…..the virtual world is safer…….I had no wish to know her sex initially and still hold that I have no wish to meet her….And I do believe that the feelings are reciprocated

In a net world where the overwhelming majority of people are online for the sole purpose of creating actual reality out of virtuality, the number of people who exist for the sake of virtuality becomes a rather dominated minority……

Neurotic perhaps…….so is she……anyone else feels like joining the gang?

But am sure, as I have stated before…..this too shall pass…..

So, what do I write about?

That she’s devastatingly witty and yet with no pretensions to brilliance……naaah, the minute she reads this, I’ll never hear the end of it…..bloody female is a pseudo…or so she claims…..But then, it passes the time……

That she is too pretty to be trusted……been telling her that for ages…..but in a weird kind of bonding, I do trust her……funny that….but I still don’t….if you get me.

That she has seen far more sorrow and has handled herself far better than anyone I have known or could perhaps know……..and that I have yet to see such courage and fighting spirit……never had the guts to say such a thing in our regular chats……maybe there was no need to…..

That our conversations are meaningless and insubstantial as wisp’s of smoke that drift towards the ceiling from my cigarette……and yet, they mean the difference between existing and moving on from day to day…..

Have never clapped eyes on her, or even heard her voice…..probably wouldn’t be able to spot her in a crowd, probably wouldn’t be able to even say hi to, even if I came face to face with her…..

She is not a sister, not a friend, not a lover, not a girl, not a person, not anything beyond just a flickering name tag that shows up on my gtalk messenger board……a few pictures of a reed thin female like creature who’d resemble Gollum if it were not for the huge masses of cranial hair and a grin bigger than her entire being…..and that she’s someone I fell safe to talk to…..incessantly idiotic perhaps, unbelieveably irritatingly perhaps……but we talk…..

Enough already, that scrawny thing will be floating near the ceiling, weightless as she is……

P, to even define you would be a task I am not even ready for……..and will never be….and perhaps that’s exactly how things should be…….for now at least…..

(This was written a few weeks earlier to today…..and what is significant about today? – I’ll get to that later….)

After a rather harrowing month of exams, house-hunting, working at the NHS, I finally took a break and went off to see my cousins and aunt in Newcastle…..

My aunt is like a mom to me and feeds me like there’s no tomorrow……..Not a great definition, but I cant think of a better one presently….I love her….

Landed up there with rashes who had come up from U Man;

As Sean asked me; "……another cousin ? They’re really climbing out of the woodwork, aren’t they?"

Tony introduced himself to rashes very civilly I thought……he was like, I believe we share gene’s somehow and managed to shake her hand, before homer and max jumped on her…..homer and max are a Labrador and a Rottweiler respectively, who lay claim on tony’s gene’s as well…..both rather abundant in their proportions with a very specific agenda as to their existence – to lick anything and everything, be as smelly as possible and shed dog hair everywhere……in short be doggy nuisances and adorable……

On my trip to Newcastle, I happened to share seat space with an Americanised Indian….a transplanted south Indian gentleman who was travelling Europe with his wife and kids for their summer vacation.

Well…..that’s too much for one blog…..

(This was about as far as I got…..and then I shifted house!!!)

My new place is brilliant or so I think……not everybody shares that view!!! (pun fully intended as you’ll find out…..

Hey, I like a good view……it’s my way of recharging my batteries and of course of dreaming….

The only problem is that I have to huff and puff my way up nearly a mile to reach my apartment building and THEN drag my sorry & obviously out of shape arse up 4 flights of stairs to get to my door….nearly on the verge of collapse….

Shantanu my beloved idiot savant, who has followed me in my adventures from Queen Margaret Residences to Winton Drive to Fergus Drive derives a lot of amusement from the sight of the huffing & puffing whales of Murli & self….

Murli, the other net barbarian has also followed the damn train and taken up residence with us……

Which leaves us with the last occupant……khan the almighty who’s presently too engrossed in the pleasures of the flesh or at least the pleasures of sight-seeing flesh, to even live in the flat……!!!!

Its an interesting mixture of characters and between us, I do believe we quarter the entire bloody map of undivided India……East (self) West (Shantanu) South (Murli) and North (Khan)……

Anand recently asked me when we’re getting hold of a Chinese and opening up the South East Asia Representative Chapter of Glasgow……

Coming back to the flat…..we have a 20 mbs net connection and absolutely no dearth of movies, music or porn at a ridiculous price…….murli & shantanu hooked up the whole damn flat into a wireless network….particularly impressive in the fact that they did it without a wireless router!!!! And then they encrypted the whole damn thing so that no one else could hack into it…..

I managed to buy a telephone on eBay for 15 pounds, thinking it to be quite a bargain……when khan appeared at the flat and blasted me left right and centre for having wasted my money……and appeared the next day with a huge sack of items for the house…….the provenance of which the rest of us were a leery to even enquire about…..but we used them nonetheless……

Jay, another famous character and an engineer by profession, came to wish us happy housewarming, finished off a bottle of vodka and then disabled the entire smoke detection system so that we could all smoke in peace…..

So basically, I have a house full of items of rather dubious antecedents and characters of even more dubious abilities and character…….

Anand & Jassi are turning up this week and I am just waiting to see what those two come up with……

As I never get tired of saying…….

Glasgow just got invaded by the greatest horde of pirates, thieves, robbers, thugs, tinkers, con-men and lawyers……..Scotland had NO idea what it let itself in for when they opened the Univ. doors with the 3 year work permit FTS scheme…….

So anyway, my mornings are rather interesting presently……I usually wake up with rather long & fragrant tresses and locks of wavy black hair all over my face……which is a pleasant sensation I must tell you……I mean……its like you know…..

And then, I get rudely awakened by the amazing hippo like snores emanating from near the source level of the hair……..

Which is when I realise that its murli’s shoulder long hair on my face, since we share the big queen sized bed…….and which is exactly when I decide that waking up is a better alternative to ……well, it’s a better alternative to ANYTHING…..

The minute I wake up, I am subjected to the view of a pair of appallingly gangly legs on my path to the bathroom clad in a pair of desperate shorts on the verge of rebellion against their very threads holding them together in an unhappy coalition…..

I truly pity shantanu’s wife to be subject to such a sight every morning!!! But then I get reminded of another paid of desperate shorts which have been consigned to flames on the very first week of marriage (Rah & Panks are finally married)…….

And I switch the pity to shantanu…….those desperate shorts are definitive of the last bastion's of male freedom after all !!!! I have a pair myself.....

I also have some pity for murli’s wife……but all that in a later blog…..

My bathroom is quite decent but my kitchen is small……well, we all make adjustments…..and as of now, things seem going okay….and its kind of nice to peck away at my laptop, stretched out on my sofa and staring out of the bay windows and observing Ben Nevis in the distance being lit up intermittently by playful beams of late evening sunlight shafting through the clouds....

Ben Nevis is a famous Scottish mountain which can from my lounge windows......It’s like something out of a fable.....I almost expect to see dragons come rolling up over the horizon and the clans in their kilts and claymores standing on the hillside heather facing the setting sun………

Yeah, I have an over-active imagination, the benefits of which some of you will never know…..
But honestly now…..ever seen purple clouds, on a cerulean blue sky? And a green hill lit up in patches by golden sunlight? Shillong is pretty....but this is seriously what I pay so much for my new apartment.....The bloody view is just breath-taking....

But then as I said, the walk up to my apartment and the 4 flights of stairs also takes my breath away...to be honest

I don’t quite know who’ll read these rambling writings of mine……well, at least until I get down and put them all together in a readable format with a plot and proper characters…..

Speaking of plots……apparently, my life is never simple…….seems like the gods above consider me an interesting case study and most of the same gods are on a steady diet of candyfloss Bollywood shit…..especially the shitty 80’s Bollywood shit…..

I just talk to this flicker on the screen……and half the world and their cousins are making assumptions and presumptions…..not to mention the true "filmi" style upset brother (I kind of get why he’s upset) and the supportive sister-in-law (Her – I just don’t get!!!) and lets not get into the entire side cast of characters from either side…..which is basically time to make a gracious and courteous exit, methinks……

So, I guess……that’s that…….I really enjoyed talking to someone after a long time…..and though I am way too confused and scared to consider anything else than talking, I realise that I will miss her and a lot else besides…….

I am still wondering if I should add something more here……the words are easy, the truth is not……and to be even more honest……I am being indecisive for the first time in my life…..which is damn irritating, let me tell you….

But if the past 9 months here have taught me anything, it is that I must just go with the flow and refuse to force things, to bend them to my will……

The one thing I have to accept and have learnt at bitter cost is that the best that any of us can do is to be ourselves and do the best that we can…….and that this too shall pass………

Pretty shitty ideology it seems to me……I am accustomed to fighting, to overcoming odds…….however, I am going to try it………material success is hollow and the only thing that matters is peace within myself……and yet, my wilful mind asks how do I know peace if I will not strive for it, if I will not fight for it, if I let peace or even happiness slip between my open fingers……..not necessarily in a specific case, but in general, you know……..

And I do not know the reply……any ideas…..