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Thursday, February 22, 2007

Nihil Ultra

Nothing is Beyond….

What does it signify?


Different times have different perspectives…..

A few weeks ago a young and rather brilliant friend of mine (If I may call him such, for at times, I am in awe of him!!) wrote a rather scathing expose on the Indian Judiciary and the judicial system as a whole.

For a few days, I smarted under his comments and wrote pages in reply against his seeming diatribe against one of the pillars of my existence…..but I didn’t publish it. Initially, I wished to polish up the piece and make it more ….shall we say, polished? Perfect examples of tautology perhaps, but be that as it may seem to be…..

I did not publish the piece and as the days went by, I considered the ramifications of what I had written and more importantly, WHY I had so fiercely defended the system?

Was it an underlying sense of loyalty, cultivated over the years, to one’s chosen profession? Was it belief in the system itself?

My arguments were not flawed, I still consider the Indian Judiciary or even the judicial system to be the best in place and I also still think that the system should be allowed to function without pressure of media circuses or even of public pressure.

Aristotle had said, law is reason without passion and yet, it was this principle that I believed in most passionately. The law is nothing but common sense, an operating system without which the edifice of social contract will not subsist and in order for it to be effective, it must operate and function in sanctity, peace and without pressure.

I still honestly believe that it is the rule of the law and it is the law which makes us function as a democracy and that the judiciary is the main cornerstone of any effective governance and so on and so forth.

And yet I did not publish….

My reasoning was cogent, articulate and yet empty of belief…..

I myself am empty of belief, of passion, of sustenance…..

I find it hard to defend principles that I have weathered so many storms for, given so much up for…..

I am questioning, not my principles, or my beliefs or even my foundations, but myself.

There was a time when I prized my fierce warrior instincts, my willingness to fight, right here, right now for anything I happened to believe in….I believed in confrontation, at any cost…..and now after so much lost…I have lost this willingness to fight….I question the need to contest, I question myself….perhaps too much….

Its getting harder for me to write…..

My reactionary and revolutionary pal puts it in an interesting perspective and very charitably states that I am lazy …..He is actually being charitable…..

At his age, I was full of fire and brimstone, piss and vinegar, ready to take on the world and its cousins along with…..I have lost that fire, perhaps.

Expanses of white screen are suddenly causing me nausea …. I think I have writer's block....and I am struggling with writing sans alcohol.....

I seem to bring out the best or the worst in myself when intoxicated beyond belief.... It’s perhaps the only time I don’t find myself or even my existence repulsive

Usually, it’s a low grade chronic headache which keeps on getting worse and finally erupts in a massive drinking binge or possibly a fight or both....and then, next morning, with an aching head or injured hands, I end up churning out 16 pages or so of ridiculous prose!!! Most of which I shouldn’t even be considering……

I honestly don’t know what to know that I should do.....but suicide is morally reprehensible to me

I burnt myself yesterday with hot oil and my right hand looks like it’s been to the wars but at least, that staved off the drinking bout for a few more weeks. As I burnt my hand, there was a moment of happiness….the pain blocked out everything else…Some experimentation is required here, I feel….

I write verse when I am drunk....absolutely completely disgustingly correct iambic pentameter verse in ringing prose comes from the morning after when I am too sick to hate the world, which is usually my default state of being…. so grappling with the idea of output sans alcohol....which is not very productive presently...

I shame myself with my self-obsessed incoherent ramblings and squirm when I read blogs which are passionate and ring with sensibility that shames my rambling outpourings

As I check my inbox, I am appalled to notice that in the past month or so, I have hardly written what has been going on in my life to anyone at all….I building a frigging shell of normalcy and balance…

According to me, a person writes when his soul is in torment and the world is pressing down on him……hence I stopped writing for the years that I spent with my ex ….. I was gloriously and maybe, selfishly happy with the state of my being….

Once she dumped me, the wellspring poured forth a torrent of verbiage, unblocked the dams and dumped (forgive the pun!!) out massive amounts of choked back, repressed rage, anger, bile, vitriolic reminiscences…..and now I am empty. Dig as I might, I find it hard to actually be bothered about anything.

This state of being actually makes me less inhospitable, less insufferable and perhaps less me…..I miss my hatred, my bitterness which has brought me so far….

Diary, Diary, on the screen…..where the fuck am I? Who the fuck am I? Where is that damned smartass legal eagle who could dream and spin out reality from dreams?

Things that have occurred since I last wrote;

Got a job with HBOS –

After 17 interviews and 8 assessments, I am finally working for the Halifax Bank of Scotland in the AML & FSC’s (Anti-Money Laundering & Financial Services Crimes) section. In fact, I recently got semi-promoted to the DPA (Data Protection Act) section and am under negotiations for a full time contract. The work is interesting, the hours are decent (4-8 pm, Mon-Thurs) and the pay is good. Lets see how it goes….

Have severed relations with skinny and hence allayed further apprehensions-

Do I want to talk about this? I don’t know, as usual or rather as is NOT usual. I usually know what I am doing. She was getting too close perhaps, maybe I am too raw still….its been 2 years and more, but the mind and heart still says 4 years of penitence and then retribution, 2 done, 2 to go……I honestly don’t know

Changed rooms and not happy with new roomies-

I have given up my ASR’s post as I need to concentrate on my studies what with the new job and so needed to get out of my nice 2 man flat and have shifted into a 5 person flat. Hardly know my roomies, am too busy with my own issues.

An old junior of ILS days, Udipto came to Glasgow-

Rana was an old junior from Assam and is still the same, if not fatter. But it was nice to reminiscence about ILS days. Got him some decent booze and sent him off with Taimoor to roam the city while I was working.

Did okay in my assignments, still second best and need to do better-

Am scoring solid A’s however, there is still a guy ahead of me and I need to do better. Thank god, I am still competitive where studies are concerned....wish I was so in college, too many distractions.....regret none though.....

Gave a party for my birthday combined with Jay, Karthik, Asim etc. -

This was a bad idea….however, the kids from class enjoyed themselves….which is another way of saying that they got drunk silly, made out all over Jay’s flat where it was held. Jay himself was comatose long before the party ended, and quite a few of his bed sheets were soiled by the guests….but this is “foreign” so all is forgiven…..Chanel was incensed that I was slaving in the kitchen, but soon forgot me with the aid of Stolichnaya and some Zulu chap……I cleaned up as best as I could, threw Sam and Tharun, still lip & tongue locked as usual, out into the street and treated myself to a drink… was my b’day after all, and I cant get worse than this….

Haven’t been attending as many classes as I should -

Need to work on this, though I have managed to go to most of important seminars and workshops etc. I am exhausted with work, correcting taimoor’s homework, doing marwat’s essays and my own studies…..not to mention applying to various vacancies in the UN and associated agencies.

Went to the hospital after my Warden nearly dragged me there by the ear -

After I got my hand burnt (4.5 % body surface area second degree & some third degree burns) I nonchalantly washed it in cold water, cooked dinner and went about my business for the next 4 days….it was only when it started suppurating and bleeding worse than could be sustained by tissues that I went down to the Central Services building for some bandages…..the bloody females started howling for the high heavens and sneaked on Kevin, the warden. So, when I got back home late that night, I find Kevin in a fine mood who takes one look at the stinking and bloodied bandages and literally drags me to Western Infirmary. There, they practically flayed me as they ripped up the dead skin which had formed on the burn surface, WITHOUT anaesthetics and bound me up again. I was nearly dizzy with pain, however, the swelling and the slight fever I was running went down with all the antibiotics, anti-inflammatory drugs they gave me….I didn’t touch the pain-killers as I found the pain to give me focus enough to continue with my job and studies…..So, now I have a decent stock of pain-killers….smart boy I am....

But what has been bothering me is that I haven’t been getting my thoughts in focus… I have issues of lack of issues….am missing my bitterness and hatred…..don’t like it…my resources dwindling…..time running out

I have too many thoughts at the same time and as a result I end up taking the softest option. This is bad for me, but I am unable to break the cycle.

The truth of the matter is that I have become a vagabond, unaffiliated to anyone, free as a cloud and roaming free through the blue expanses of cerulean blue sky…..and I honestly don’t know where I’ll blow next…..

Nihil Ultra….Nothing is Beyond…..