Me!!!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
The lull between the waves….
Someone recently asked me why I write this blog?
I thought the answer was obvious…..or was it?
The lady asked me to stop being weak, to cover my wounds and to show nothing but strength. Quite an Amazon, one would presume and the advice sensible…..or was it?
She asked me why my need for adulation, why my need for posturing? Why the need to show the world my pain? Don’t others have pain as well? Do all of them write blogs and ask the world to pity them? Or so she asked…….
Interesting thought process…..
Is it wrong to write a blog? To express and not to repress? To define yourself and take recourse in the abstract, almost clinical detachment of setting out in words EXACTLY what you’re going through?
Am I asking for sympathy or worse pity by writing of my own belief’s and thoughts?
The claws of the beast on my back writhed every time I took laptop to hand and set out in no uncertain terms as to my own condition and the grooves of my own defensive shields ran ice cold blood down my spine as I realize anew each that this could be read by one and all…..and be castigated and humiliated as I was by a reader or worse by all………
Was that courage or merely an exorcism of fear?
Is there any substantial difference between the two?
The lady in question asked me if I suffered from the hero complex – to perform hard tasks and expect applause and celebrations….
I did have a handy snappy retort to that, at least….So I replied, heroes only come in three kinds; dead, damaged or dubious….and I do believe I am the third kind…..
The answer didn’t really have the zing in it anyway…..
Much as I wished I couldn’t really explain to her what it meant for me to even consider laying myself bare thus and yet the trusty words that are so quick to defend, to justify, to retaliate, seem inadequate to explain the long years of my comparably short life that has brought me to this phase of my life and the even longer shadows that crowd my thoughts.
Could I or even would I be capable to explain the ruthless, brutal, dishonest and hard life I have left behind me?
Much as I wished I couldn’t really explain to her what it meant for me to even consider laying myself bare thus and yet the trusty words that are so quick to defend, to justify, to retaliate, seem inadequate to explain the long years of my comparably short life that has brought me to this phase of my life and the even longer shadows that crowd my thoughts.
Could I or even would I be capable to explain the ruthless, brutal, dishonest and hard life I have left behind me?
Could I or even would I, be capable to ever explain to anyone what it means to be hollow in victory and an empty husk, to flee in the night like a thief and worse, like a coward.
Why did I not stand and fight, she asks, and well she might…..
All my life has been negative space, always waiting for someone, or something or some kind of real feeling to fill me up and give me a reason. I thought I found a reason once and yet it was not to be….
The lady also has issues with me talking about my past life here……quite a nosy character perhaps……but then I did lay it out for everyone to nose around in……
Why does my ex still mail me or even want to be friends with me? I am a past, preferably forgotten, conveniently disposed of, in the easiest possible way and to live in the present and future with nothing but the best to look forward to, with the worst already behind her. Right?
Another old friend, also female, says she is bored and needs to feel comforted and secure in the fact of the existing past as well as the present…..
A bit confusing I found it, to be honest…….but then I do seem to have a few too many female advisors, to be honest, so, that kind of comes with the territory…….
What do I think?
It’s hard enough to write 9 essays of 5000 words apiece within a space of 10 days, not to mention proof reading and restructuring another 45 essays within the very same 10 days…….Not to mention the fucking insane knight of the realm, jack-booted ass I got stuck with as a supervisor (bloody bugger uses engraved notepaper to invite dissertation students to high tea, in friggin’ black tie!!!)
Someone teach me how to say no to people……especially friends in need…..
As I think about the whole issue, I try to look at it from the perspective of honour…..
Most people confuse honour with virtue. Virtue is concerned with what we do and honour is concerned with how we do it. You can fight a war in an honourable way – the Geneva Convention exists for that very reason- and you can enforce the peace without any honour at all.
In its essence, honour is the art of being honourable and it’s a simple art to practice……
Don’t do anything that makes you unable to look at yourself in the mirror every morning……
Why did I not stand and fight, she asks, and well she might…..
All my life has been negative space, always waiting for someone, or something or some kind of real feeling to fill me up and give me a reason. I thought I found a reason once and yet it was not to be….
The lady also has issues with me talking about my past life here……quite a nosy character perhaps……but then I did lay it out for everyone to nose around in……
Why does my ex still mail me or even want to be friends with me? I am a past, preferably forgotten, conveniently disposed of, in the easiest possible way and to live in the present and future with nothing but the best to look forward to, with the worst already behind her. Right?
Another old friend, also female, says she is bored and needs to feel comforted and secure in the fact of the existing past as well as the present…..
A bit confusing I found it, to be honest…….but then I do seem to have a few too many female advisors, to be honest, so, that kind of comes with the territory…….
What do I think?
It’s hard enough to write 9 essays of 5000 words apiece within a space of 10 days, not to mention proof reading and restructuring another 45 essays within the very same 10 days…….Not to mention the fucking insane knight of the realm, jack-booted ass I got stuck with as a supervisor (bloody bugger uses engraved notepaper to invite dissertation students to high tea, in friggin’ black tie!!!)
Someone teach me how to say no to people……especially friends in need…..
As I think about the whole issue, I try to look at it from the perspective of honour…..
Most people confuse honour with virtue. Virtue is concerned with what we do and honour is concerned with how we do it. You can fight a war in an honourable way – the Geneva Convention exists for that very reason- and you can enforce the peace without any honour at all.
In its essence, honour is the art of being honourable and it’s a simple art to practice……
Don’t do anything that makes you unable to look at yourself in the mirror every morning……
Not that I like looking at myself, anyway, but at least I can meet my own eyes and regard my inner self……
Am I at peace….with myself? I ask myself that question every morning as I brush my teeth
A hard question to ask a soul wrung over from a lifetime of revulsion, hatred, ambition, guile, bad decisions, good experiences and stupid mistakes…..
They say, fate always gives you two choices, the one that you should take and the one that you do.
I did what I did and I do not regret the choice
I am empty inside……unfeeling, cold and clinically detached……neither shame nor exultation……
If I were to answer myself, perhaps I would say that I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation....
I would probably be called insane for thinking thus, but then sanity is a madness put to good use and in today’s age and disillusionment, men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad amounts to another form of madness…..and yeah, everyone in the whole world was a crazy Indian blogger in at least one past life!!!
The flesh surrenders itself,
Eternity takes back its own.
Our bodies stirred these waters but briefly,
Danced with a certain intoxication before the love of life and self,
Dealt with a few strange ideas, and then submitted itself to the instruments of Time.
What can we say of this? I occurred. I am not….yet, I occurred.
As the Bard had stated - Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme.
Am I at peace….with myself? I ask myself that question every morning as I brush my teeth
A hard question to ask a soul wrung over from a lifetime of revulsion, hatred, ambition, guile, bad decisions, good experiences and stupid mistakes…..
They say, fate always gives you two choices, the one that you should take and the one that you do.
I did what I did and I do not regret the choice
I am empty inside……unfeeling, cold and clinically detached……neither shame nor exultation……
If I were to answer myself, perhaps I would say that I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation....
I would probably be called insane for thinking thus, but then sanity is a madness put to good use and in today’s age and disillusionment, men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad amounts to another form of madness…..and yeah, everyone in the whole world was a crazy Indian blogger in at least one past life!!!
The flesh surrenders itself,
Eternity takes back its own.
Our bodies stirred these waters but briefly,
Danced with a certain intoxication before the love of life and self,
Dealt with a few strange ideas, and then submitted itself to the instruments of Time.
What can we say of this? I occurred. I am not….yet, I occurred.
As the Bard had stated - Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme.
Monday, March 12, 2007
India Extended…
Is a nation defined by its boundaries or by its language and cultures?
Back home, we would greet strangers with the commonest possible question;
“Where are you from?”
Now, WHY such a question is asked, we all know, in our varying levels of sociological profiling awareness.
The best answer I have ever received back home, in India, was “From India, same as you….”
The best answer I have received here, in Glasgow, was “Does it matter? I speak your language….”
The boundaries of India once stretched from the upper reaches of the Afghan mountains to the vast saltine marshes of the Hooghly delta.
We might have not spoken the same language then….We even might not have been aware of the extent of our domain.
After Partition, we suddenly did become aware …. Painfully aware….
And after years of being subject to varying influences of regionalism, communalism, casteism et al, without a hint of secularism anywhere, we finally landed on the far shores of a country, not our own, bereft of belief, cynical and hardened by years of defining ourselves and teaching ourselves to be concerned of none else but what concerns us.
And suddenly found cousins and relations…..of language, of culture, of belief, of understanding….across the border and yet in a different country altogether….
We found kindred souls with the same love of Hindi movies and cricket….of the need for heartfelt abuses peppering a conversation shared over gallons of sweet milky tea and cheap cigarettes….of the sudden ease of a person whom you don’t know and yet understand…..
All on the basis of a common language & culture….
Fine, we call it Hindi and they call it Urdu…
Fine, they add salt to their tea and call it kava and we add sugar and call it chai…
Fine, we have the prettier actresses and they have better singers….
Fine, we cant decide who’s fielding a worse team presently….
The differences are less than we had assumed and the similarities more than we could have imagined!!!!
We’ve all here suddenly found pals who we might have grown up with, it seems and allies against the alien culture we find ourselves in.
Suddenly our boundaries are extended…..
One of my old pals who is presently in Melbourne, Australia was just trying to tell me how normal and similar Pakistani’s are to us……I first heard the same a long time when another one of my friends went to Pakistan on a Peace Promotion trip a long time back.
Not that I had specific animosity or such, but Kargil was quite recent and its hard to understand much from what the governments and media spouts.
When cable TV would show the PTV channels, we’d get very upset about how India was being subverted and shown in a bad light or whatever….Never considered how the Pakistani’s might perceive NDTV and Barkha Dutt….
One of the most hilarious scenes I observed recently was when two friends & idiotic buffoons from India and Pakistan started horsing around pretending to be journo’s and media guys from their respective countries……the whole comedy merely underlined the issues of trust and comfort of the ACTUAL people on the ground, rather than the governances or systems…..
My old Chinese roomie truly believes that the Dalai Lama is a threat to China and is building a core terrorist camp in Dharamshala……My American friends think that Bush is an ignorant savage and are even more vociferous in condemning him than ourselves……The Scots and English and the Italians and the Iranians and the Russians and the where-ever-you’re-from’s ……they are all not what we perceive them to be…..
True, there are some similarities…..the Africans or those of African descent DO talk like rastafarians….the English CANNOT smile or laugh with their mouths open……the Scots WILL deep fry a chocolate mars bar……the Iranians ARE sexy and promiscuous….the Chinese ARE incomprehensible when they try to speak English…..and so on and so forth…..
But these are generalizations…..Chanel talks like a BBC newscaster (though she does do wicked imitations of a lot of different people)…..Kat laughs like a banshee and is really cute when she does show her wisdom teeth…..Gillie is still very fat conscious….El Naz does have pimples on her face now…….and Chu-se-kai does manage to be understood in English ……
And we Indians ???
We carry on in these far shores, a part of India in our souls……
We make a decent hospital waiting room appear like a Bihar station when one of us is sick….
We do try and bargain even in discount sales……
We do wear thermal clothes ready for North Pole even on a summer’s day….
We do try to bhangra, even when the DJ is playing ballroom music….
But….
We still hear the familiar strains in the accented English….and sometimes unaccented ones as well…
We still understand problems that can ensue out of seemingly simple questions and issues…
We still absorb the old ways and find askance at changing them….
We still are a singular people….divided by boundaries….marked before we were born
We still are the same people….undivided when pressed upon….wittingly or unwittingly
We still are ….. and continuing to be…..India extended….
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Perfect letter to scare off wannabe wives……
Dear XYZ,
I wish I could start this letter on more favourable terms however, the fact remains that since both are pretty well scarred, its always better to start with some diffidence...that means, with some distance, silly...don’t reach for the dictionary just right now!!!
Okay, lets have a look at the scenario....
You:
1. Been dumped
2. Getting old
3. Bored out of your wits though not lonely
4. Require companionship as most old pals are too busy with THEIR own lives
5. Require security and yet interesting lifestyle, hopefully with some excitement and fun thrown in…probably some love wouldn’t hurt…and by love, I mean, an idiot who thinks all that you do is sooooo cute and okay-dokie…and for preference, who earns well enough to offer decent security and spending cash…
6. Have to make a decision fast within this year hopefully….one way or the other…
7. No real contenders for your hand in marriage, to be honest, I am more like the runners-up trophy, something if not nothing, half a loaf of bread better than nothing etc etc
Me:
1. Been dumped
2. Getting old
3. Lonely beyond belief though not bored
4. Require companionship as most old pals are too busy with THEIR own lives
5. Require someone who understands my wild ways and need for experimentation as well my abilities….someone who gets my jokes and stops me from going comatose on alcohol if I don’t have enough work to keep me busy….someone who could possibly read my writings and criticise/appreciate them, listen to my wild ramblings and lead me back to saner alternatives…..In short, I require someone who’ll love me despite my failings and accept and understand my efforts to win the world for them.
6. Have no time limit on my decisions….yet, there is a limit on my decisions….I don’t waste time or emotion or at least try not to
7. Have enough participants, though not one yet who is reaching me….maybe because I have the doors shut tight….whatever…..the fact is, despite my obesity (That means being overweight!!) and my wild ways, I am still a decent “catch” for most idiotic females and their bloody families…..something which really depresses me as I don’t fancy being “auctioned” off or being traded like a bloody horse/donkey….I mean, get a grip ladies/families….what’s marriage for you…beauty/youth in exchange for ugly/security….its not a bloody trade off!!!
I don’t mean to be rude and all that jazz, but the truth is a bit convoluted…
You said, you could read anything through… so fine, wade through this and think about it
To start with, my parents did NOT have a decent marriage….fought like cats & dogs and I don’t want a marriage where I have to fight my wife over silly issues instead of resolving them normally…I took a lot of shit from both over different issues and hence my initial supposition of marriage is pretty much shit to begin with….
For me, marriage would involve a life where I could cuddle my wife and argue with her on my lap, some give and take and definitely a lot of space….hmmmm, pretty much what everyone wants, isn’t it?
Next, I have complexes….big ones….they have made me a tougher fighter, but its not easy to live with them….I have a tremendous inferiority complex about my looks and an enormous attention seeking mania amongst others…. Which in turn explains my drive to win at any cost and also my plethora of girlfriends over the years and no commitment to anyone or anything besides my own objectives….As one of my ex’s put it…I am interested in everything, committed to nothing…
So, finally, with all this baggage, I did finally meet someone who could handle it all and yet like me….and THAT’S saying a lot….I gave her a lot of grief initially but in the end, I was hers….
(This is usually me….I will make you laugh and help you and all that shit, but wont trust you till I am sure of you…..but once I do…I am yours for life… typical d-boy nonsense, yeah? But you’ve gotta admit, it sounds very jazzy and nice!!!)
Anyway, took quite a bit of time for the lady to actually open me up….because I don’t ever show who I am or what I am thinking…I show a lot of rubbish…a lot of silliness and inanity, but usually, I know pretty well where I am going and what I am doing….you’ll realise this if you really get to know me and my manner of achieving objectives, which is a rather far way off presently….
NOW, we get really messy….I got dumped….hence, all my existential angst (This means anger at even being alive) and absolute depressionist tendencies and suicidal berserker alcoholic binges… I swing like an yo-yo with no bloody fear of consequences or of falling…hence I am usually successful at the risks I take…
After going through so much verbiage (look this one up in the dictionary….ha ha ha) I would commend you for having survived so far…
The point is….I am a mess….I have some good points and a hell of a lot of bad points…so, basically, I am a talented mess…and that takes some doing…
Do you really want all this shit?
Do you really want a guy who has abilities, dreams and yet is so messed up that he doesn’t know which way to turn if confronted with something personal?
Do you want a guy who can be an utter bastard with all the dirty tricks known and ready to roll, with a past as long as your arm and a scar to show for every time he screwed or got screwed?
Do you want a guy who knows he will make a change someway, somewhere; a guy who’s had the living shit kicked out of him and yet has picked himself up again to fight?
Do you really want this guy or is it merely a compromise for your own needs and wants, because to be honest, this would be the last time this guy would ever even consider opening the doors to his heart, mind and soul….provided you know how to push open the doors?
Regards,
D
PS
If you are still not satisfied with so much of crap, you can read my blogs underneath….and I’d be seriously impressed then….
Have fun…
I wish I could start this letter on more favourable terms however, the fact remains that since both are pretty well scarred, its always better to start with some diffidence...that means, with some distance, silly...don’t reach for the dictionary just right now!!!
Okay, lets have a look at the scenario....
You:
1. Been dumped
2. Getting old
3. Bored out of your wits though not lonely
4. Require companionship as most old pals are too busy with THEIR own lives
5. Require security and yet interesting lifestyle, hopefully with some excitement and fun thrown in…probably some love wouldn’t hurt…and by love, I mean, an idiot who thinks all that you do is sooooo cute and okay-dokie…and for preference, who earns well enough to offer decent security and spending cash…
6. Have to make a decision fast within this year hopefully….one way or the other…
7. No real contenders for your hand in marriage, to be honest, I am more like the runners-up trophy, something if not nothing, half a loaf of bread better than nothing etc etc
Me:
1. Been dumped
2. Getting old
3. Lonely beyond belief though not bored
4. Require companionship as most old pals are too busy with THEIR own lives
5. Require someone who understands my wild ways and need for experimentation as well my abilities….someone who gets my jokes and stops me from going comatose on alcohol if I don’t have enough work to keep me busy….someone who could possibly read my writings and criticise/appreciate them, listen to my wild ramblings and lead me back to saner alternatives…..In short, I require someone who’ll love me despite my failings and accept and understand my efforts to win the world for them.
6. Have no time limit on my decisions….yet, there is a limit on my decisions….I don’t waste time or emotion or at least try not to
7. Have enough participants, though not one yet who is reaching me….maybe because I have the doors shut tight….whatever…..the fact is, despite my obesity (That means being overweight!!) and my wild ways, I am still a decent “catch” for most idiotic females and their bloody families…..something which really depresses me as I don’t fancy being “auctioned” off or being traded like a bloody horse/donkey….I mean, get a grip ladies/families….what’s marriage for you…beauty/youth in exchange for ugly/security….its not a bloody trade off!!!
I don’t mean to be rude and all that jazz, but the truth is a bit convoluted…
You said, you could read anything through… so fine, wade through this and think about it
To start with, my parents did NOT have a decent marriage….fought like cats & dogs and I don’t want a marriage where I have to fight my wife over silly issues instead of resolving them normally…I took a lot of shit from both over different issues and hence my initial supposition of marriage is pretty much shit to begin with….
For me, marriage would involve a life where I could cuddle my wife and argue with her on my lap, some give and take and definitely a lot of space….hmmmm, pretty much what everyone wants, isn’t it?
Next, I have complexes….big ones….they have made me a tougher fighter, but its not easy to live with them….I have a tremendous inferiority complex about my looks and an enormous attention seeking mania amongst others…. Which in turn explains my drive to win at any cost and also my plethora of girlfriends over the years and no commitment to anyone or anything besides my own objectives….As one of my ex’s put it…I am interested in everything, committed to nothing…
So, finally, with all this baggage, I did finally meet someone who could handle it all and yet like me….and THAT’S saying a lot….I gave her a lot of grief initially but in the end, I was hers….
(This is usually me….I will make you laugh and help you and all that shit, but wont trust you till I am sure of you…..but once I do…I am yours for life… typical d-boy nonsense, yeah? But you’ve gotta admit, it sounds very jazzy and nice!!!)
Anyway, took quite a bit of time for the lady to actually open me up….because I don’t ever show who I am or what I am thinking…I show a lot of rubbish…a lot of silliness and inanity, but usually, I know pretty well where I am going and what I am doing….you’ll realise this if you really get to know me and my manner of achieving objectives, which is a rather far way off presently….
NOW, we get really messy….I got dumped….hence, all my existential angst (This means anger at even being alive) and absolute depressionist tendencies and suicidal berserker alcoholic binges… I swing like an yo-yo with no bloody fear of consequences or of falling…hence I am usually successful at the risks I take…
After going through so much verbiage (look this one up in the dictionary….ha ha ha) I would commend you for having survived so far…
The point is….I am a mess….I have some good points and a hell of a lot of bad points…so, basically, I am a talented mess…and that takes some doing…
Do you really want all this shit?
Do you really want a guy who has abilities, dreams and yet is so messed up that he doesn’t know which way to turn if confronted with something personal?
Do you want a guy who can be an utter bastard with all the dirty tricks known and ready to roll, with a past as long as your arm and a scar to show for every time he screwed or got screwed?
Do you want a guy who knows he will make a change someway, somewhere; a guy who’s had the living shit kicked out of him and yet has picked himself up again to fight?
Do you really want this guy or is it merely a compromise for your own needs and wants, because to be honest, this would be the last time this guy would ever even consider opening the doors to his heart, mind and soul….provided you know how to push open the doors?
Regards,
D
PS
If you are still not satisfied with so much of crap, you can read my blogs underneath….and I’d be seriously impressed then….
Have fun…
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