Someone recently asked me why I write this blog?
I thought the answer was obvious…..or was it?
The lady asked me to stop being weak, to cover my wounds and to show nothing but strength. Quite an Amazon, one would presume and the advice sensible…..or was it?
She asked me why my need for adulation, why my need for posturing? Why the need to show the world my pain? Don’t others have pain as well? Do all of them write blogs and ask the world to pity them? Or so she asked…….
Interesting thought process…..
Is it wrong to write a blog? To express and not to repress? To define yourself and take recourse in the abstract, almost clinical detachment of setting out in words EXACTLY what you’re going through?
Am I asking for sympathy or worse pity by writing of my own belief’s and thoughts?
The claws of the beast on my back writhed every time I took laptop to hand and set out in no uncertain terms as to my own condition and the grooves of my own defensive shields ran ice cold blood down my spine as I realize anew each that this could be read by one and all…..and be castigated and humiliated as I was by a reader or worse by all………
Was that courage or merely an exorcism of fear?
Is there any substantial difference between the two?
The lady in question asked me if I suffered from the hero complex – to perform hard tasks and expect applause and celebrations….
I did have a handy snappy retort to that, at least….So I replied, heroes only come in three kinds; dead, damaged or dubious….and I do believe I am the third kind…..
The answer didn’t really have the zing in it anyway…..
Much as I wished I couldn’t really explain to her what it meant for me to even consider laying myself bare thus and yet the trusty words that are so quick to defend, to justify, to retaliate, seem inadequate to explain the long years of my comparably short life that has brought me to this phase of my life and the even longer shadows that crowd my thoughts.
Could I or even would I be capable to explain the ruthless, brutal, dishonest and hard life I have left behind me?
Much as I wished I couldn’t really explain to her what it meant for me to even consider laying myself bare thus and yet the trusty words that are so quick to defend, to justify, to retaliate, seem inadequate to explain the long years of my comparably short life that has brought me to this phase of my life and the even longer shadows that crowd my thoughts.
Could I or even would I be capable to explain the ruthless, brutal, dishonest and hard life I have left behind me?
Could I or even would I, be capable to ever explain to anyone what it means to be hollow in victory and an empty husk, to flee in the night like a thief and worse, like a coward.
Why did I not stand and fight, she asks, and well she might…..
All my life has been negative space, always waiting for someone, or something or some kind of real feeling to fill me up and give me a reason. I thought I found a reason once and yet it was not to be….
The lady also has issues with me talking about my past life here……quite a nosy character perhaps……but then I did lay it out for everyone to nose around in……
Why does my ex still mail me or even want to be friends with me? I am a past, preferably forgotten, conveniently disposed of, in the easiest possible way and to live in the present and future with nothing but the best to look forward to, with the worst already behind her. Right?
Another old friend, also female, says she is bored and needs to feel comforted and secure in the fact of the existing past as well as the present…..
A bit confusing I found it, to be honest…….but then I do seem to have a few too many female advisors, to be honest, so, that kind of comes with the territory…….
What do I think?
It’s hard enough to write 9 essays of 5000 words apiece within a space of 10 days, not to mention proof reading and restructuring another 45 essays within the very same 10 days…….Not to mention the fucking insane knight of the realm, jack-booted ass I got stuck with as a supervisor (bloody bugger uses engraved notepaper to invite dissertation students to high tea, in friggin’ black tie!!!)
Someone teach me how to say no to people……especially friends in need…..
As I think about the whole issue, I try to look at it from the perspective of honour…..
Most people confuse honour with virtue. Virtue is concerned with what we do and honour is concerned with how we do it. You can fight a war in an honourable way – the Geneva Convention exists for that very reason- and you can enforce the peace without any honour at all.
In its essence, honour is the art of being honourable and it’s a simple art to practice……
Don’t do anything that makes you unable to look at yourself in the mirror every morning……
Why did I not stand and fight, she asks, and well she might…..
All my life has been negative space, always waiting for someone, or something or some kind of real feeling to fill me up and give me a reason. I thought I found a reason once and yet it was not to be….
The lady also has issues with me talking about my past life here……quite a nosy character perhaps……but then I did lay it out for everyone to nose around in……
Why does my ex still mail me or even want to be friends with me? I am a past, preferably forgotten, conveniently disposed of, in the easiest possible way and to live in the present and future with nothing but the best to look forward to, with the worst already behind her. Right?
Another old friend, also female, says she is bored and needs to feel comforted and secure in the fact of the existing past as well as the present…..
A bit confusing I found it, to be honest…….but then I do seem to have a few too many female advisors, to be honest, so, that kind of comes with the territory…….
What do I think?
It’s hard enough to write 9 essays of 5000 words apiece within a space of 10 days, not to mention proof reading and restructuring another 45 essays within the very same 10 days…….Not to mention the fucking insane knight of the realm, jack-booted ass I got stuck with as a supervisor (bloody bugger uses engraved notepaper to invite dissertation students to high tea, in friggin’ black tie!!!)
Someone teach me how to say no to people……especially friends in need…..
As I think about the whole issue, I try to look at it from the perspective of honour…..
Most people confuse honour with virtue. Virtue is concerned with what we do and honour is concerned with how we do it. You can fight a war in an honourable way – the Geneva Convention exists for that very reason- and you can enforce the peace without any honour at all.
In its essence, honour is the art of being honourable and it’s a simple art to practice……
Don’t do anything that makes you unable to look at yourself in the mirror every morning……
Not that I like looking at myself, anyway, but at least I can meet my own eyes and regard my inner self……
Am I at peace….with myself? I ask myself that question every morning as I brush my teeth
A hard question to ask a soul wrung over from a lifetime of revulsion, hatred, ambition, guile, bad decisions, good experiences and stupid mistakes…..
They say, fate always gives you two choices, the one that you should take and the one that you do.
I did what I did and I do not regret the choice
I am empty inside……unfeeling, cold and clinically detached……neither shame nor exultation……
If I were to answer myself, perhaps I would say that I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation....
I would probably be called insane for thinking thus, but then sanity is a madness put to good use and in today’s age and disillusionment, men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad amounts to another form of madness…..and yeah, everyone in the whole world was a crazy Indian blogger in at least one past life!!!
The flesh surrenders itself,
Eternity takes back its own.
Our bodies stirred these waters but briefly,
Danced with a certain intoxication before the love of life and self,
Dealt with a few strange ideas, and then submitted itself to the instruments of Time.
What can we say of this? I occurred. I am not….yet, I occurred.
As the Bard had stated - Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme.
Am I at peace….with myself? I ask myself that question every morning as I brush my teeth
A hard question to ask a soul wrung over from a lifetime of revulsion, hatred, ambition, guile, bad decisions, good experiences and stupid mistakes…..
They say, fate always gives you two choices, the one that you should take and the one that you do.
I did what I did and I do not regret the choice
I am empty inside……unfeeling, cold and clinically detached……neither shame nor exultation……
If I were to answer myself, perhaps I would say that I am not in this world to live up to other people's expectations, nor do I feel that the world must live up to mine. Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation....
I would probably be called insane for thinking thus, but then sanity is a madness put to good use and in today’s age and disillusionment, men are so necessarily mad that not to be mad amounts to another form of madness…..and yeah, everyone in the whole world was a crazy Indian blogger in at least one past life!!!
The flesh surrenders itself,
Eternity takes back its own.
Our bodies stirred these waters but briefly,
Danced with a certain intoxication before the love of life and self,
Dealt with a few strange ideas, and then submitted itself to the instruments of Time.
What can we say of this? I occurred. I am not….yet, I occurred.
As the Bard had stated - Not marble, nor the gilded monuments of princes, shall outlive this powerful rhyme.
2 comments:
go get some sleep kid.. you sound really tired!
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