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Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Who am I?

The weather turns colder…and I am starting not to notice it….getting acclimatized I guess…

So much to write…not even sure where to begin…

Okay, let’s start with the basics….

My best friend is terrorized by his fiancĂ© and he seems to like it….

The fiancĂ© claims to be terrorized by my pal and seems to revel in it…

I am terrorized by both of them….and I also enjoy being human….once in a while….

My married pals seem to lead double existences of baseline Siamese twin existences with their respective spouses….. Bloody guys can’t seem to think for themselves…Bloody females cant think at all….

My unmarried other pals are living in a constant state of sexual frustration and in an intense state of seeking means of alleviating the said state….never seem to achieve it, unless by marriage and then also, I am doubtful of their success…

My professors are intensely happy that the semester is over but the librarians seem to wear a harried look as I start haunting the library instead of the classrooms… I am getting really intense about my subject…there is so much to read….

My cousin shibu passed away ….was found dead in a pool of blood in his bed…..alcohol abuse….. Earlier than we all expected….I grieved for 10 minutes and then got back to work on my assignments….is that normal?

My parents are looking for girls for me and I am scared stiff of spending a life with a woman who won’t get my jokes and worse….that’s assuming my folks find a girl at all….Me being who I am, am sure most females are gonna go; “…… ‘ells bells, head for the hills!!!”…. and I kind of like the idea of being so repulsive !!! Saves me a lot of trouble, as I will outline later…

Am hoping to get seriously blasted and blown in Edinburgh for Hogmanay….but I don’t know if even that’ll happen… have too much to study…

I corresponded with my ex with a flurry of 10 mails in total over two days and then finally it ended as abruptly as it started…my buddy explained it in his inimitable style “dono lambe lambe chod rahe the, as usual, needed the gas out of the system, simple”

Was she ever in my life….seems so long ago that I am wondering if it seriously occurred…… Life is as before now, wonder why I went through so much shit for a female at all…..but then, again, it was a learning experience….

I find solace in endless day long conversations with an old friend who met me for only two-three days 5 years ago and 5 years later, we are still talking and second guessing each other’s thoughts and moods…..and no, we are not romantically involved, both are a bit too pragmatic about each other’s needs and objectives in life!!! She needs a rich hubby and I need to get ahead in my life….well, further than where I am….

I find my world revolves around gmail, yahoo/msn messenger and orkut ….and yes, d-boy…

My fingers are typing blind ….. my second greatest fear is starting to get erased…

(Second greatest fear: if I loose my sight, how would I transcribe my thoughts in English and not in Braille….I cant think in braille…though the thought itches my cranium and I wouldn’t mind trying it to see how long it would take me to master it….)

Hmmm….I am living in interesting times…which is another way of claiming that I am cursed by my Chinese roomie for making too much noise at 2 am in the morning…

My thoughts are disorganised and dis-oriented, I need sleep….write later…

Okay, awake and it’s the next day……

I like the new songs from the movies Dor and Guru…..Okesite is an interesting website for downloading movie songs….I also like the midival punditz version of Don…it’s a classic rock version….

I seem to have a motley crew around me all the time….presently, I am surrounded by afghans and pathans with a sprinkling of maratha’s, two diga’s and one pondicherrian (I wonder if that’s even right??!!)

The only thing in common with us all is the fact that we all are slightly insane in our own ways…. And no, we are not mad…Mad's when you froth at the mouth. We’re all a bit insane, that’s when you froth at the brain…..from too much cranial cogitation, I’d guess.

I like food that’s easy to make when I am studying but my beef sukha is turning out to be quite good….

A blog is supposed to be about you and your experiences….I have so many, that I need dumbledore’s pensieve….

Is this my life….brought down to a standstill surrounded by books on abstract theories….my desk is a mess again….man, I do need help…

I love my studies and my cluttered existence….do I really need anything more than this ?

Recently, I have been having second thoughts about academics…..

I mean, all I need is a functional kitchen with plenty of drawers, a bathroom with hot water, a bedroom with a desk and a swivel chair …. That’s it…..

I have a cluttered existence…my desk is usually a mess and my clothes are flung all over my bedroom…..but my life has become a minimalist structure…. Stripped of all but the bare necessities and it’s an existence that restores peace in my mind…

If I need company, I venture out to see the world passing by with a glass of beer and then I head home, back to my library and my laptop…

It’s a comfortable existence… I need anymore?

My studies can lead to a Ph.D, or worse, I guess…do I need to really change the world?

Why do I need to change the world at all? Or even if I do agree that it needs changing, why not do it through a classroom?

Is this me?


Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Chilly Thoughts

Scotland is COLD….brrr….NOW I know why people compare it to Shillong…

I mean, even the rain is colder than anything possible and metal burns to the touch…

But the best of all is the wind and the wonderful orchestra it conducts…

The wind here plays all sorts of sounds….the rattling percussion of tin cans going everywhere and nowhere, the whistle under the eaves of my building, the roar as it comes across the gothic towers and spires of my university, the scream of its passing….The wind here has a life of its own and one that I actually wait to hear from every night…..Its not much on manners but it’s a great conversationalist.

As I dunk down what seems like gallons of coffee made the traditional way, except for the sweetner instead of the sugar, I find I actually wait for its evening broadcast every night….

Am I wandering…..yeah, sure am…with the wind and its tall tales of the places it has come from.

The winds of Scotland blow in from the sea and if one stands high enough in Glasgow, one imagines the tang of sea in its chill heart.

This is not the softer, feminine breeze of my home climes….its a roaring, masculine blow, that takes no quarter from anything and gives none in return either….to merely face it, every evening is to feel the touch of awe for its magnificent power.

And as the wind blows, I wonder….

Oh, I wonder so much, that’s a bloody wonder….

But I do wonder at the vagaries of fate or rather if I should be laughing at them…

One of the best lines I had ever read went,

If you can’t laugh at fate, you just don’t get the joke.

Took me a long, long time to get the punch line…..maybe, quite a few punches as well.

Am I feeling like a sorry bastard? Do I sound pitiful and seeking attention?

Hell, I am writing my diary as a blog spot for people to read; I am not asking, I am practically shouting it from the rooftops!!!

But, do I sound like a sorry bastard who wants sympathy?

That’s the important question for the day….

I would appreciate a little understanding….in silence over shared booze and ciggies…

But actual mention of my circumstances would probably have me running for the border and still speeding. I mean, hell, I am a guy, do you expect me to break down and bawl my eyes out? For pity’s sake, I am not asking for a group hug!

Each time, I write here, I am stuck dumb at the amount of verbiage that I spout.

Is it me or does my tongue run away with me….I drift, I ramble, I digress, I basically behave here like a drunk trying to find his way home after a hard night…at the pub!!!

Most people don’t read blogs like mine, I know….for which I am eternally grateful and yet, there is a secret longing to be read. I wish, like most bloggers, to be read about and of course, understood….which is another way for being impressed with the shit I spin out.

I am starting to appreciate my new field of study….

It doesn’t leave much space to wriggle around and after years of spreading my words, concepts, theories, arguments, thought processes and such really far and wide, the constraints of having to manage within parameters is actually invigorating.

That and the demands my studies are putting on my cranium are contributing a lot to my lack of writing over the past few weeks. Its been a while that I haven’t had the freedom of time to introspect….

Each night, I get into bed drunk….or I don’t get into bed at all…

Don’t get me wrong….its not all alcohol…I can get drunk on exhaustion, on imaginative theories, on dreams and hopes, on staggering workloads…..But I do like to get into bed…drunk!!!

It gets me good sleep…..and sleep is a mighty elusive commodity, let me tell you….

So, its either being drunk and sleeping or its like this…an all night-er with gallons of good hot sweet coffee and smokes and d-boy. D-boy is my laptop and now for almost two months, he has become inseparable from my existence…

I mean, I am not living virtually, but I do get to spend an enormous amount of my time in the virtual world.

In the year prior to my coming to Glasgow, I was a people’s person…I was someone whom you could spend time with….I got along with people and had things to talk about….

In the past few weeks, I have found that I desire and conspire to seek the silence of my mind and thoughts to the speech of others….

I have found company in the application of my mind, not the fastest of things, to problems and theories…….and the solving or understanding of them.

Do not mistake me…I am not being insular or even obsessive…at least, I don’t think so….I can still make people laugh and still talk with them….its just that I have to make the effort to do so now…..I would rather spend my time wrestling with problems suggested by my professors over liquidity ratio’s and qualitative forecasting…

I am getting a bit intense about this….am I not?

So, is it wrong? I wanted a change….a change that would turn my life around….

Is this change enough or do I forge ahead and become whatever I have to become….

Will I be me?

Friday, December 01, 2006

Lack of thoughts....

Its been 20 days since I last wrote…

For most people, that’s a normal amount of time to take between abusing their laptops for a relentless self analysis with no end in sight….

For most people, they would not even BE considering the above line….

OR even writing it……

I am…..idiotic, isn’t it?

In the past twenty days, my life has again undergone one of those systematic upheavals of fate, destiny and shit-faced idiosyncrasies or vagaries of fate, which drives most people to thoughts of destruction/annihilation of the whole bloody human race or at least of one member of the said race….

I have given up, screaming out loud, looking up and asking “WHY???”, taking each day as it comes, not giving a shit, just going on……

I am past that…..

So, where am I?

Lost….that’s definite.

Misplaced…. Most probably



My life is a spiral of events, people and issues connecting, colliding and usually crashing with severe mortality rates…my question always is;

Where are my cigarettes?

That about sums it up….

I have berserker rampages when I am asleep or drunk, I have insomnia, I have somnambulism, I have long rants and monologues on the treachery of women, I have dirty living habits, I AM dirty, my room is a mess, but less than my life…..Oh, its all about me and I and myself….what else did you expect…..

Does someone upstairs take my shitty prose seriously and think all this shit in my life is character building or at least motivation for some soul searing shit on paper I wouldn’t wipe my arse with??

I mean, get a life, for anyone’s sake…..

I write to expose my own hypocritical, attention seeking, anal retentive behaviour and also to polish up my crude attempts at humour…don’t you get it, yet?

I wish I could find myself within the inventive clutter of my monstrously messed up life and mind and for that elusive moment when all this shit would shine golden and smell of roses and hope….

But, that moment came and went and I am stuck in the gloom of my own making.

I was recently reading the consolations of philosophy by Alain de Botton and the opening chapter speaks of the death of Socrates who went to his sentenced death, peacefully, happily and willingly. Because he was dying for a cause, for his thoughts, for his definitions….

So many people in the world die….how many of them actually die today for a thought, or even for a reason….

According to the statistics on fanatics of religion and caste and cause….a worrying too many….

How would I die?

Would I prefer to die for a cause, for an issue, for a reason?

Happily at this state of mind, career and presence….I would.

I wonder, how many are there like me….and how much they wish to die?