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Friday, August 17, 2007

Conversations and Observations


To call oneself a writer, one needs to write….perhaps even to write well enough or at least better than most so as to define one above and beyond other scribblers…

And yet in the shallows of the night, self-realization drives in the honesty of the fact that there is not any difference between the scribbling of others and that of a writer’s…

So, then, what defines a writer……??

A few thousand more words and phrases in your vocabulary…..perhaps a keener wit…..perhaps lucidity and empathy…..and yet even these singular abilities aside, it is still not enough to define someone as a writer….

A writer is perhaps set apart by his observations and understanding of people……more of others and less of his/her own perhaps……and an arrogance to set the same down on paper or screen with a justification that the same cannot or could have been observed or concluded in any other manner….and then to wonder whether it was worth writing at all or not……

Did I mention self-absorption and delusions of grandeur? Writers often give psychologists a reason to call their mumbo-jumbo a profession usually…..

I too observe…..and when I find that my eyes are not enough, I employ my ears and tongue…..that is to say I converse…..with people, with utter strangers, with friends, family and those of mine own and not as well….

I find solace in my feeble attempts to observe the unseen corners of the human existence that is present everywhere and yet is neverwhere….

The little old lady who always stands in the corner of the bus stop to catch the first sight of the bus, rather than taking the shelter of the bus stand…..and likes to talk about what she’s going to prepare for her dinner in the evening…..

The elderly professor who nudges empty and discarded crisps packets or wrappers on the street when he thinks himself alone……and would construct theories of brilliant communication by drawing parallels for the everyday things he does and his chosen subject…..

The father holding the hand of his son and his unconscious pride in his son’s mindless prattle as his son holds his hand trustingly and tells him of his world…..

The stray and solitary library assistant who reads books heavier than himself and digs for boogers in his nose and munches on them with relish, without realising that half the table is trying their hardest not to make a concerted rush for the door……

The affluent and most eligible bachelor with dog hairs all over his body, flat and life who feels safer with his two dogs than alone or worse in frail and undependable female company……

The lonely and well-to-do career woman……my ever-warring parents…….friends……strangers…..anyone and everyone is grist to my every-churning mill and I find myself floundering on the unending grain of people & lives from my mill…..

I find a thousand stories on the sidewalks and discard a few million on the threshold of my flat……..there are a few too many to write about and yet, I write……as many as I can, as many as I can understand and believe……

Stories are like ships, some sail and some sink beneath the waves…..but they are all true ….. at some level or the other….

The truth’s that I perceive are perhaps lies to another and another’s travesties are true to someone else all over again….and so the cycle’s revolve….

Each time I begin a story, I merely wonder where I would be going…….rather I think of the end and find myself being taken there by a cast of characters I never met before and would perhaps never meet again…..I often wish that the journey’s would be longer so that I could get to meet them properly…..

Perhaps, merely to observe them, converse with them….yet again….

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Changes....

My life is boring…..

Never thought ANYONE would ever get to say that…..least of all me !!!

Finally…..my life is boring….

My office has gained a new health worker…..and I am supposed to show her the ropes….and one of the things I have to show her is the morning bus route and so on the route to the office, my peace suddenly gets shattered by nervous chatter…..

For three days I have taken in the chatter and shop talk disturbing my morning solitude and then the lady hits me with a zinger today…..

She asked me, so what are your plans for the weekend….and of course, I said – working on my dissertation……very automatic response, said she……don’t you like to go out, pubbing, movies, nights out......

To be honest, I just stared at her……for a full 15 minutes before realising that I don’t have a life……

This is insanely hilarious and suddenly sobering as well……Me and not having a life……the very veracity and the ludicrous nature of the situation has indeed taken me by surprise….

My life revolves around my work, my studies, cooking, cleaning and the odd hindi movie I rip from the net…….

On the days I work, I leave my flat around 7 am and get back around 7 pm…..too tired to make anything other than something quick and snappy for dinner and maybe a quick scan of my emails….

On the days I don’t work….I cook, do my washing up, catch up on my reading (for my diss) and sleep…….at odd times, when I get the time, I rip the latest movies from weird Japanese forums……benefits of living with two net techies….you start learning the basic dirty net tricks….

I realise that I haven’t seen the inside of a disco or a pub for ages now……and nor have I spent money uselessly in ages…….

I realise that I haven’t danced for months…..nor have I fought anyone…..not even brawled…..not even felt the lack of that savage rush of blood to my head that I couldn’t do without…..haven’t felt that berserker rage and the ice cool shiver that balances my nature as I set out yet again to prove I am me, cock of the walk, bruised, battered, scarred and still standing….

I realise that I don’t wear cowboy boots that crack authoritatively on the court floors, inviting attention one way or the other and nor do I swagger with the chip on my shoulder and snarl my way clear of the rush…..I now wear soft, padded sneakers which are better for my walking….and my office hallways are carpeted and I’d rather listen to music and wait my turn……

I realise that I haven’t been drunk in ages…..or at least drunk as in crazy drunk…. I am no longer on the razor’s edge…..needing equal and copious quantities of alcohol, madness and battles everyday to fight….. merely to stay alive, to feel alive….

I realise that my only contact to the outside world is through a virtual net service….and a few phone calls……and that’s it…….I shun parties, scared of relapsing into the devil I was…..I shun anything and everything that could perhaps bring out or even about the beast on my back…….

I realise that I have finally achieved what I set out to do….achieved blandness…..I have finally left my world far behind…..

A simple man with a simple job, self-absorbed, normal and just another person on the street who takes the bus to work and cooks and cleans on weekends……no issues, no hurry, no tension, except maybe to finish my dissertation on time…..but that should be possible……

I should celebrate…….and I don’t know how to…..

Should I laugh or merely wonder at myself?

Even today, when I perceive my own life from the eyes of my friends and colleagues, it is hard for me to actually accept that this transformation has indeed taken place…..to my dismay, surprise or happiness…I truly do not know….

If my old lawschool friends or ex-colleagues from the various High Court Bars I hold affiliation to were to observe my lifestyle and my manner of life, they might not believe that they even know me…..Antu would disown me for sure and Rajesh would take me to the nearest hospital…..parry might sit me down and ask for identification and cross-examine to assure himself that I am who I am……The others would still be dumbstuck if not outright disbelieving……

My past life, my dubious reputation and even my character has left such a wide swath on my back trail that anyone seeking to find me will be lost………anonymity has indeed been achieved……and I have no idea what the hell to do with it…..

The truth is a bizarre mix of belief and even perception…..as I had written before….

My usual rants are loosing steam and I have a horrible confession to make…….however the forum is too public for such, so suffice it to say that things have evolved from flickers on the screen…..anything further would be an invitation to disaster or worse…..

The last time such an evolution took place, I shouted it from the rooftops and took umbrage at anyone NOT knowing……things have changed indeed….

Hey you reading this.....the world is not so bitter and the sun does shine sometimes.....

Then again, it might just be that I am being stupid....once again....