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Monday, February 22, 2010

Journey’s End ??!!!

I am uncomplicated. Finally.

Probably not much of a statement, but there it is. That is exactly what I finally am or perhaps, I have finally managed to sort out my shit, and see things for what they are.

All throughout my life, I was always figured I was the tortured, complex sort with the massive chip on my shoulder. The amount of things I have done, some good, mostly bad to really understand what or who I am is truly staggering. At least, by my count or so I think...

It’s not been a simple thing to really reach this conclusion, but it’s not a conclusion I have reached through by mere supposition or even hypothesis. Each step of the way, I have tested and checked and there have been more dead ends than you could believe.

However, as I look back – it becomes clearer to understand the controlling factors, the variables and the constant’s of my life, as it is. And perhaps, the very conclusive evidence of my understanding lies in the fact that I am finally ready to settle down.

I used to be petrified of marrying someone and staying with that person for the rest of my life. Totally terrified of being stuck with a person who would bore me to tears once I have had sex with her, or worse. Thoroughly scared of everything and anything that COULD happen, especially of history repeating itself as I always envisaged when I would see my parent’s bloodless strife for the past 33 years that still continues.

However, as I finally start getting closure and clarity on my life, I realize that instead of all that I have aspired to be, have been, or might even become, the first and hardest step I have taken was to accept who I was and what I have been.

I have accepted I am the fat and screwed up kid who had to learn how to game the hard way because it was either that or die. That I had the willingness to have no morals, no ethics, no ideals simply because I could not afford them if I wanted to be in the rat race or even stay ahead. That, the countless hook ups, even my qualifications and education, not to mention so much else were all merely strategy to stay in the game we all play throughout our lives. The projection of a larger-than-life self with the long list of “achievements” to support and sustain and other wise succor a desperate case of low self-esteem, overlook a scarred childhood etc. The saddest part was that, for my world, for my friends, for my family and my life as it stands today, it is a successful image that generates awe, envy and sometimes even hatred….for a given value of “success”.

And it’s harder still to accept that I will continue to perhaps play the game on many other levels, but at least I will do so now, in full knowledge of the fact that I am indeed “playing” the game and not merely assuaging my guilt, frustrations or whatever.

So, for all my faults, all my follies and all my silly and possibly pointless existence, I finally realize that I am uncomplicated.

All I want is someone to love and who cares for me, gets my silly jokes and earn enough to manage a decent life. Ambitions, wants and everything else, when viewed from this perspective become so much clearer and more importantly, easier to deal with.

The doctorate, the fancy car, the penthouse apartment and even the innumerable countless bimbo’s I always fancied as the ideal trophy wife would be like just another certificate in my CV folder. Another goal accomplished with no sense of victory, except the relentless need to score again, to do better, to accomplish more.

All I got, from this desperate need to fulfill my ego or even that of a vicarious parent’s desires was a case of low-level alcoholism and a bad taste in the mouth every morning. And all it took was a simple girl who had perhaps no qualifications that can be “counted” in my world, no expensive certificates, no career path, no posh accent or even tastes and definitely no looks per se. It took one simple girl with lots of patience to let me ramble and rummage in my own heart and mind.

She doesn’t make me laugh with her wit as someone else did, earlier. She doesn’t look like million dollars glinting like a trophy on my arm, as someone else did earlier. She definitely does not do much but she perhaps does much more that I can figure out.

I am not in love with her, because I don’t know what love really is. But I am hoping she can teach me, someday.

This one is for you, sweetheart. Marry me.

One of us is going to regret this for sure, so I’m hoping you’ll be able to take the blame later on by being the decision taker!!!