Changes....

My life is boring…..

Never thought ANYONE would ever get to say that…..least of all me !!!

Finally…..my life is boring….

My office has gained a new health worker…..and I am supposed to show her the ropes….and one of the things I have to show her is the morning bus route and so on the route to the office, my peace suddenly gets shattered by nervous chatter…..

For three days I have taken in the chatter and shop talk disturbing my morning solitude and then the lady hits me with a zinger today…..

She asked me, so what are your plans for the weekend….and of course, I said – working on my dissertation……very automatic response, said she……don’t you like to go out, pubbing, movies, nights out......

To be honest, I just stared at her……for a full 15 minutes before realising that I don’t have a life……

This is insanely hilarious and suddenly sobering as well……Me and not having a life……the very veracity and the ludicrous nature of the situation has indeed taken me by surprise….

My life revolves around my work, my studies, cooking, cleaning and the odd hindi movie I rip from the net…….

On the days I work, I leave my flat around 7 am and get back around 7 pm…..too tired to make anything other than something quick and snappy for dinner and maybe a quick scan of my emails….

On the days I don’t work….I cook, do my washing up, catch up on my reading (for my diss) and sleep…….at odd times, when I get the time, I rip the latest movies from weird Japanese forums……benefits of living with two net techies….you start learning the basic dirty net tricks….

I realise that I haven’t seen the inside of a disco or a pub for ages now……and nor have I spent money uselessly in ages…….

I realise that I haven’t danced for months…..nor have I fought anyone…..not even brawled…..not even felt the lack of that savage rush of blood to my head that I couldn’t do without…..haven’t felt that berserker rage and the ice cool shiver that balances my nature as I set out yet again to prove I am me, cock of the walk, bruised, battered, scarred and still standing….

I realise that I don’t wear cowboy boots that crack authoritatively on the court floors, inviting attention one way or the other and nor do I swagger with the chip on my shoulder and snarl my way clear of the rush…..I now wear soft, padded sneakers which are better for my walking….and my office hallways are carpeted and I’d rather listen to music and wait my turn……

I realise that I haven’t been drunk in ages…..or at least drunk as in crazy drunk…. I am no longer on the razor’s edge…..needing equal and copious quantities of alcohol, madness and battles everyday to fight….. merely to stay alive, to feel alive….

I realise that my only contact to the outside world is through a virtual net service….and a few phone calls……and that’s it…….I shun parties, scared of relapsing into the devil I was…..I shun anything and everything that could perhaps bring out or even about the beast on my back…….

I realise that I have finally achieved what I set out to do….achieved blandness…..I have finally left my world far behind…..

A simple man with a simple job, self-absorbed, normal and just another person on the street who takes the bus to work and cooks and cleans on weekends……no issues, no hurry, no tension, except maybe to finish my dissertation on time…..but that should be possible……

I should celebrate…….and I don’t know how to…..

Should I laugh or merely wonder at myself?

Even today, when I perceive my own life from the eyes of my friends and colleagues, it is hard for me to actually accept that this transformation has indeed taken place…..to my dismay, surprise or happiness…I truly do not know….

If my old lawschool friends or ex-colleagues from the various High Court Bars I hold affiliation to were to observe my lifestyle and my manner of life, they might not believe that they even know me…..Antu would disown me for sure and Rajesh would take me to the nearest hospital…..parry might sit me down and ask for identification and cross-examine to assure himself that I am who I am……The others would still be dumbstuck if not outright disbelieving……

My past life, my dubious reputation and even my character has left such a wide swath on my back trail that anyone seeking to find me will be lost………anonymity has indeed been achieved……and I have no idea what the hell to do with it…..

The truth is a bizarre mix of belief and even perception…..as I had written before….

My usual rants are loosing steam and I have a horrible confession to make…….however the forum is too public for such, so suffice it to say that things have evolved from flickers on the screen…..anything further would be an invitation to disaster or worse…..

The last time such an evolution took place, I shouted it from the rooftops and took umbrage at anyone NOT knowing……things have changed indeed….

Hey you reading this.....the world is not so bitter and the sun does shine sometimes.....

Then again, it might just be that I am being stupid....once again....