Chilly Thoughts

Scotland is COLD….brrr….NOW I know why people compare it to Shillong…

I mean, even the rain is colder than anything possible and metal burns to the touch…

But the best of all is the wind and the wonderful orchestra it conducts…

The wind here plays all sorts of sounds….the rattling percussion of tin cans going everywhere and nowhere, the whistle under the eaves of my building, the roar as it comes across the gothic towers and spires of my university, the scream of its passing….The wind here has a life of its own and one that I actually wait to hear from every night…..Its not much on manners but it’s a great conversationalist.

As I dunk down what seems like gallons of coffee made the traditional way, except for the sweetner instead of the sugar, I find I actually wait for its evening broadcast every night….

Am I wandering…..yeah, sure am…with the wind and its tall tales of the places it has come from.

The winds of Scotland blow in from the sea and if one stands high enough in Glasgow, one imagines the tang of sea in its chill heart.

This is not the softer, feminine breeze of my home climes….its a roaring, masculine blow, that takes no quarter from anything and gives none in return either….to merely face it, every evening is to feel the touch of awe for its magnificent power.

And as the wind blows, I wonder….

Oh, I wonder so much, that’s a bloody wonder….

But I do wonder at the vagaries of fate or rather if I should be laughing at them…

One of the best lines I had ever read went,

If you can’t laugh at fate, you just don’t get the joke.

Took me a long, long time to get the punch line…..maybe, quite a few punches as well.

Am I feeling like a sorry bastard? Do I sound pitiful and seeking attention?

Hell, I am writing my diary as a blog spot for people to read; I am not asking, I am practically shouting it from the rooftops!!!

But, do I sound like a sorry bastard who wants sympathy?

That’s the important question for the day….

I would appreciate a little understanding….in silence over shared booze and ciggies…

But actual mention of my circumstances would probably have me running for the border and still speeding. I mean, hell, I am a guy, do you expect me to break down and bawl my eyes out? For pity’s sake, I am not asking for a group hug!

Each time, I write here, I am stuck dumb at the amount of verbiage that I spout.

Is it me or does my tongue run away with me….I drift, I ramble, I digress, I basically behave here like a drunk trying to find his way home after a hard night…at the pub!!!

Most people don’t read blogs like mine, I know….for which I am eternally grateful and yet, there is a secret longing to be read. I wish, like most bloggers, to be read about and of course, understood….which is another way for being impressed with the shit I spin out.

I am starting to appreciate my new field of study….

It doesn’t leave much space to wriggle around and after years of spreading my words, concepts, theories, arguments, thought processes and such really far and wide, the constraints of having to manage within parameters is actually invigorating.

That and the demands my studies are putting on my cranium are contributing a lot to my lack of writing over the past few weeks. Its been a while that I haven’t had the freedom of time to introspect….

Each night, I get into bed drunk….or I don’t get into bed at all…

Don’t get me wrong….its not all alcohol…I can get drunk on exhaustion, on imaginative theories, on dreams and hopes, on staggering workloads…..But I do like to get into bed…drunk!!!

It gets me good sleep…..and sleep is a mighty elusive commodity, let me tell you….

So, its either being drunk and sleeping or its like this…an all night-er with gallons of good hot sweet coffee and smokes and d-boy. D-boy is my laptop and now for almost two months, he has become inseparable from my existence…

I mean, I am not living virtually, but I do get to spend an enormous amount of my time in the virtual world.

In the year prior to my coming to Glasgow, I was a people’s person…I was someone whom you could spend time with….I got along with people and had things to talk about….

In the past few weeks, I have found that I desire and conspire to seek the silence of my mind and thoughts to the speech of others….

I have found company in the application of my mind, not the fastest of things, to problems and theories…….and the solving or understanding of them.

Do not mistake me…I am not being insular or even obsessive…at least, I don’t think so….I can still make people laugh and still talk with them….its just that I have to make the effort to do so now…..I would rather spend my time wrestling with problems suggested by my professors over liquidity ratio’s and qualitative forecasting…

I am getting a bit intense about this….am I not?

So, is it wrong? I wanted a change….a change that would turn my life around….

Is this change enough or do I forge ahead and become whatever I have to become….

Will I be me?